It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Warning, there's a pity party coming soon, and it's mine, all mine, and you can't have it! My birthday is this week, and all I'm going to get is a nervous breakdown.

Seriously, not really. It will be my birthday this Friday, and I should be thankfull I am around to celebrate another, and I am, honestly. After putting myself, and my body, through some not-so-nice things, I should be dang glad I made another "trip around the sun".

It makes me wonder at what age do you begin to get that feeling? The gratitude for being alive another year. I am going to be 45, so, for me obviously, that's the age it happens.

I know a lot of younger people, and they seem to take it for granted that they will always be here, or at least, be here for a long time still coming. They are seemingly busy having all kinds of fun participating in potentially dangerous activities, with no sign of concern for thier safety or longevity.

Do I long to go back to the time when I myself was that way? I'd be lying if I said I never do. Who didn't enjoy that blissfull state of being, when you thought you still had your whole life ahead of you? I know I enjoyed the hell out of it! I had Fun, yep, with that capital F, Fun. It wasn't all that long ago either, just less than three years ago. The summer of 2008 I spent all my free time on the back of my beloved pony. Running full tilt most of the time. I rode all day, and half the night. I rode a buck and a spook with no fear, I rode through streams, and puddles so deep my feet were in the water. I ran down dirt roads at full gallop, laughing, having the time of my live, never dreaming there might be a day I may not feel well enough to do so anymore. Seems that day has come.

I have, as many of you know, struggled with an eating disorder, and have done so for my whole "diabetic life". The last two and a half years have been a constant struggle between health, and happiness, because for me anyway, the two do not walk hand in hand. The price for this body that I feel I "have to have" has included losing out on the chance to do so many things I love. It's due to my own stupidity of course, as well as my own vanity and selfishness. Apparently, somewhere in my head, I think it is important for me to look good while doing absolutley nothing. Let's face it, with a steady glucose level of 600 and more, and a constant state of dehydration, That's about all I feel like doing. Nothing, but I look darn good doing it in my size 2 jeans! That might actually be a humorous statement if it wern't so sadlywhat I believed to be true.


I don't know why I am so sad and cynical today. Maybe all my yo-yo-ing glucose numbers have banged my head off the ceiling one too many times. Or maybe I am still reeling from all my nightime lows. Who knows, all I know is I am so tired of my weight and my diabetes running my life. I have other plans, and they include having fun, not counting numbers, carbs, calories, and glucose readings. All these numbers are going to give me a nervous breakdown for my birthday.

Now go listen to some good music!

My numbers hung low, and they swung to and fro...

I felt all tied up in a knot, I felt all tied up in a bow...

All hilarity aside, my numbers WERE really low last night! I checked before bed last night, was at 87, so, I had some crackers, and some popcorn and figured that would hold me through the night. I woke up at midnight, at 53, so I had some glucose tablets, and my fiance, bless his heart, made me two slices of garlic bread. I would have thought THAT would have held mill until the A.M, but NO, I was up again at 3:30, lying on my back, tired, groggy, and slightly disoriented from yet ANOTHER low, once again eating glucose tablets, complaining I was still over full from earlier, and my tummy hurt. Woke up feeling like I'd been run over twice, but with a BS of 148. Thank the Gods, sometimes it's a wonder the cure doesn't kill us!

Despite the rough night I did indeed make it to the free clinic, which, cost me $105.00 dollars lol. Apparently, the free clinic isn't free anymore. Due to funding cuts they now charge a sliding fee scale. My co-payment ended up being $25.00. Do NOT get me wrong though, I am in NO way complaining! I could not believe all that my puny $25 dollar contribution bought me ) It covered my visit with the doctor, yes, a REAL doctor that specializes in diabetes control. It also covered my blood tests, and my urine test. If I didn't think that was enough for my money, it also covered my prescriptions, which were a bottle of 80 Cozaar pills, two vials of Novalin N, and, get this, 3 Humalog quick pens, a months worth! I was soooooo excited! So much easier than carting around needles and a vial, wow, I feel like I'm living the high life! An insulin pen!

Now, just because the place was oh-so-groovy, they also supplied me with regular needles, as well as needles for my pen, and alchohol swabs. And last, but not least, glucose tablets in case I enjoy my new pen too much lol. All for $25 !?!

Wow, I love the not so free, free clinic.

Oh yeah, I forgot, they also gave me a new glucose meter, a Bayer Contour. Pretty color too I DID have to actually pay for my strips, however, once again, I am not complaining, they cost me $80 for 200. A pretty nice deal if you ask me. I am all set for at least a month now for the grand total of $105 dollars.

Oh, and they measured and weighed me. I have gained TWELVE pounds in a week! OMG how does that HAPPEN?!?
Okie, I realize that I was drastically dehydrated last week, and maybe 5-6 pounds of that weight is water gain, but gr, that still leaves 5 pounds of actual weight gain. I just about cried on the spot! I did exclaim, outloud even, "I gained weight? OMG, I'm getting FAT". They just looked at me strangely and said no, I'm not fat, not at all. I wondered with my inside voice how they could NOT see that I steadily expanding, right before thier eyes, kind of like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka! I worried they would have to roll me out of thier office, like a big yoga ball, by the time it was all said and done. Tommorow is payday, and I WILL be buying slimfast!

One wierd note, I'm growing. Not only out, but UP. I'm getting taller. Strange thing that. I have actually grown 2 inches since my early twenties. I have never heard of that before. I have steadily gained aprox 1/2 inch every five years for the last 20 years. No one else I know has done that. I thought we shrunk as we aged? I am now 5'4 and 1/2. Good new is it changes my BMI ratio! Sweet stuff!

Lastly, they changed my insulin from Novalin R to Humalog. Hopefully it won't stack up and cause a low like taking my Novalin R seems to do. We shall see

Now, go enjoy some good music!