The honeymoon is over... I'd like a divorce now please!

If you wander around the forums on Diabetes Daily, you will find plenty of references to the diabetic "honeymoon" period. I'm not refering to that physical honeymoon, but rather, to an emotional honeymoon.

I'm guessing most people diagnosed with some kind of serious health issue go through emotional stages. For me, it went kind of like this:

Shock, wow, I am diabetic?!?
This was partly due to the fact the dr diagnosed me as a type 2, I was like, um, I am thin, eat well, and extremely active, how does this happen? I, like most people, thought type 2 diabetes was an illness of the over weight and under active. I now know this is NOT true.

Followed by fear, I am diabetic?!?
OMG! What happens now? How do I control this? What's going to happen to me? Am I going to go blind, lose my legs, end up on dialysis?!?

Then, came a grudging acknowledgement, okie, I am diabetic.
Yeah, whatever, I'll stick myself with this lancet, and shoot up my insulin, but I'm not happy about it, and I'm just doing it because I have to. No one educated me about diabetes, and I didn't educate myself, I only did the bare minimum to stay alive.

After that, I went through a denial phaze
I hate my insulin, it makes me gain weight, I'm not taking it anymore! Look, I havn't taken it for a month, and I feel fine, okie, well maybe not fine, but apparently, I can live without it! The drs were wrong! I'm not diabetic after all, and I can do just fine without help!

Oiy, THAT phaze almost killed me! More than once!

After my "near death experiences" I decided to accept that I am a type 1 diabetic.
Yes, somewhere along my diabetic roller coaster ride my diagnosis had been changed from type2 to type 1.

The next phaze I learned that I must embrace my diabetes.
I dicovered that in order to control my diabetes, I must make it my friend, and care for it. I need to give it lots of attention and time, make it an important part of my life. This, to me, is the emotional honeymoon.

Now, I am in the frustration stage!
I have accepted and embraced my diabetes, and still, I can't seem to get it under control. It is like a child with opositional defiant disorder ! The more time, effort, and thought I put into it, the more it seems to hate me. I give it insulin daily, two kinds even, I keep it well hydrated, feed it healthy food, and take it for daily walks. Still, it hates me, numbers up, numbers down, and numbers up again. Spoiled brat! It's like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Seriously! I can't see a thing without my glasses anymore!

So yes, the honeymoon is over. I want a divorce. Goodbye diabetes, you can take your insulin, your needles, your diabetic recipe books, the glucose meter, and even the strips that cost like eleventy billion dollars! Just pack up that crap and move along quietly please !

If only it were that easy. Maybe that is the hardest part of living with diabetes, it is never the same from day to day. It changes all the time, what worked once, may not work again. It seems like no matter how long I have it, I am always in some type of transition, and in a different phaze.

Now go listen to some good music!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Warning, there's a pity party coming soon, and it's mine, all mine, and you can't have it! My birthday is this week, and all I'm going to get is a nervous breakdown.

Seriously, not really. It will be my birthday this Friday, and I should be thankfull I am around to celebrate another, and I am, honestly. After putting myself, and my body, through some not-so-nice things, I should be dang glad I made another "trip around the sun".

It makes me wonder at what age do you begin to get that feeling? The gratitude for being alive another year. I am going to be 45, so, for me obviously, that's the age it happens.

I know a lot of younger people, and they seem to take it for granted that they will always be here, or at least, be here for a long time still coming. They are seemingly busy having all kinds of fun participating in potentially dangerous activities, with no sign of concern for thier safety or longevity.

Do I long to go back to the time when I myself was that way? I'd be lying if I said I never do. Who didn't enjoy that blissfull state of being, when you thought you still had your whole life ahead of you? I know I enjoyed the hell out of it! I had Fun, yep, with that capital F, Fun. It wasn't all that long ago either, just less than three years ago. The summer of 2008 I spent all my free time on the back of my beloved pony. Running full tilt most of the time. I rode all day, and half the night. I rode a buck and a spook with no fear, I rode through streams, and puddles so deep my feet were in the water. I ran down dirt roads at full gallop, laughing, having the time of my live, never dreaming there might be a day I may not feel well enough to do so anymore. Seems that day has come.

I have, as many of you know, struggled with an eating disorder, and have done so for my whole "diabetic life". The last two and a half years have been a constant struggle between health, and happiness, because for me anyway, the two do not walk hand in hand. The price for this body that I feel I "have to have" has included losing out on the chance to do so many things I love. It's due to my own stupidity of course, as well as my own vanity and selfishness. Apparently, somewhere in my head, I think it is important for me to look good while doing absolutley nothing. Let's face it, with a steady glucose level of 600 and more, and a constant state of dehydration, That's about all I feel like doing. Nothing, but I look darn good doing it in my size 2 jeans! That might actually be a humorous statement if it wern't so sadlywhat I believed to be true.


I don't know why I am so sad and cynical today. Maybe all my yo-yo-ing glucose numbers have banged my head off the ceiling one too many times. Or maybe I am still reeling from all my nightime lows. Who knows, all I know is I am so tired of my weight and my diabetes running my life. I have other plans, and they include having fun, not counting numbers, carbs, calories, and glucose readings. All these numbers are going to give me a nervous breakdown for my birthday.

Now go listen to some good music!

Teaching a new dog old tricks...

These are exciting times for a diabetic. Over the last few decades, modern medicine has made huge strides in the treatment of diabetes. We have all kinds of cool gadgets and machines that help us monitor and manage our disease, enabling us to live much longer, fuller lives.


We have a bizzilion different glucose meters available to us, including continuous monitoring, and meters that can read our blood ketone levels as well. Almost all meters these days hold a large number of results, and will give you your daily average over time, and even break it down into before and after meals, and more. Some are very advanced, like the Bayer Didget, targeted for kids. It hooks up to your Nintendo system, and your computer, for game playing. There is even a glucose meter/cell phone combo. Wow, talk about technology!


We have a wide variety of insulin these days, and multiple insulin delivery systems. There is the old standby, the vial and syringe method, as well as insulin pens, both refillable and disposable, and pumps of course! There are other methods on the horizon, including insulin patches, and inhalable insulin (it was briefly on the market from 2006- 2007, but withdrawn).


I think of the current diabetic times as the “pump era”. A wide variety of insulin pumps are available to us diabetics now, changing the lives of so many, and allowing for a much tighter glucose control than would have been previously possible.

So why, in these advanced diabetic times, are so many diabetics (myself included) failing when it comes to caring for themselves? Why do we seem to still struggle so hard to maintain good daily numbers and A1C’s in the normal range?


I look for the answer in the wisdom of our diabetics, people who have lived with diabetes for most of their lives, some, 40-50, and more, years. They are “old dogs” when it comes to this disease, and they, unlike us, have lived through “the worst of times” when it came to diabetes management.


These older diabetics were around before we had glucose meters. That amazes me. Can you even IMAGINE what that would be like? To NOT know what is going on inside your body? To have NO clue what your numbers are at any given time? I am seriously attached to my meter, it goes everywhere I go. The first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is check my glucose level, before I even get out of bed. My meter is my best friend these days.


So, I wonder what these long term diabetics know that I do not. Even with all this technology I can’t keep my numbers in a healthy range. I think our older diabetics know a lot of “old tricks” that I have not yet learned, like listening to what your body is telling you, and to really get to know yourself, and how you feel, from hour to hour each day. Maybe this is the advantage that they have over me/us, they didn’t rely on a “machine” to tell them where they stood, and what to do, they relied on their own intuition.


I have a tendency to bumble through life, going “dee dee dee”, paying little attention to myself, or how I am feeling, and just randomly check my glucose levels, with no rhyme or reason. I have caught many highs and lows with this slapstick method, but I wonder, how many did I miss because I didn't/don't know my body well enough to recognize the early symptoms. Before the next time I check my level, I will stop, take a deep breath, and consciously FEEL my body. I will LISTEN to what it says to me, and how I really feel at that exact moment in time. Maybe my body will tell me more than my glucose meter tells, and maybe, because I am listening, I will remember it for future reference.

I am a “new dog” learning “old tricks” from our long term diabetics. Thank you for sharing your secrets of life with me.

Now go listen to some good music!

I will hug you and squeeze you, pet you and love you, and I will call you George.

I wasn't formally introduced to George until December, 2008. Even then, I can't say it was much of an introduction, or, that I was excited in any way to meet him. Quite frankly, I was not impressed at all, he ruined my Thanksgiving, and my Christmas that year, and really, every holiday since we've met.

Looking back, I remember clearly the day George came into my life. It was a beautiful fall day, the sun was shining and the smell of autumn leaves was in the air. It was mid day and I had stepped outside on my small front porch to smoke a cigarette. Now, keep in mind that so many people have told me smoking would eventually kill me, and the humor in this story is that seriously, it almost did, but not in the way anyone would think.

Now, to keep myself on track, I stepped outside to have a smoke, was chatting on the phone, and decided I would sit in my five year old, canvas folding chair that I kept on the porch. This chair had spent it's life sitting in the sun, the wind, and the rain for half a decade, and had lived in 3 different states. It had been around a WHILE. Apparently, my chair was "old" in chair years, and my 140 lb rear end proved to be too much for this "furniture senior citizen". The seat ripped, and I suddenly found myself with my butt just about on the ground, and my toes, in my face. I'm sure all this would be humorous enough, but it wasn't the end of the excitement. My chair was, it seems, precariously perched too close to the edge of the porch. Sadly, the porch had NO RAILING. Do you see where this is going? Or rather, where I was going? You guessed it, as I struggled to free myself from the accursed chair, I accidently flipped myself right over the edge of the porch. Ass over teakettle as they say. I'm sure it was quite a sight! My cell phone flew from one hand like it had suddenly learned to fly, and my cigarette flew from the other, and I, I just flew, chair and all!

Seriously comical, yes? Even I agree, I would have laughed so hard I might have peed myself had it been someone else! I know that doesn't make me nice, but it does make me honest Seriously though, even I laughed, I mean, I thought things like that only happened on Americas Funniest Vidios.

What does this have to do with George? Well, this is where George and I first met, although, I didn't realize it at the time. After I extricated myself from the aforementioned chair, with the help of my fiance and sister in law, who, unfortunately for me, had witnessed my perfectly executed back flip off the front porch (they DID laugh till the just about wet themselves), I realized that my left side hurt. Not a lot, just a little, or maybe in between a lot, and a little, and it hurt when i breathed in. Being a tough old cowgirl, who has survived multiple internal injuries in her life, I just sucked it up, and made Pauly Shore inspired jokes, think, Encino Man "you could hurt somebodies pancreas like that!".
Seriously though, you can, I can, I did.

For the next six weeks following that seemingly mild accident, I was increasinly plagued by health problems. I, who had always been so active, even hyper if you will, suddenly compained of complete and utter exaustion. I remember telling my fiance that I just felt so tired, tired to the point that I felt I might pass out. I slept every minute I wasn't working. I developed muscle cramps in my legs. They kept me up at night, and I felt even more tired than before. Was that even possible? I also had a yeast infection. Or at least, I thought it was a yeast infection. I hadn't had one since I couldn't remember when. I tried every remedy there was, including yogurt ! I should have bought stock in that stuff! Nothing worked.

I also developed severe abdominal pain. It came and went, and I couldn't seem to pinpoint the cause, it had no rhyme or reason I could determine.

I began getting food cravings. I ate chocoalte like there was a planned shortage coming up and I had to get it while I still could. I was constantly thirsty, I was hungry all the time, I ate burgers, and fries, and every starchy carb I could get my hands on. I lost weight. I ate more, I lost more weight. And I peed. I peed ALL the time. I peed so much it hurt to pee. I felt like I was personally a never ending source of pee.

My fiance was the one who called it, he told me he thought I was diabetic. I told him he was crazy. He told me to go to the Drs. So, just before thanksgiving, I did go. We didn't care for the doctor much, she was one of those pretentious, she knows everything doctors, who didn't put much stock in anything we said. My fiance told her he thought I was diabetic, she told him he wasn't a dr. I told her I felt like crap and just wanted to feel better. She gave me a script for gardnerella. Apparently that's why the yeast remedies didn't work, it wasn't yeast. She never even checked my blood sugar levels despite our suspicions that it might be diabetes. I can "almost" understand. I really wasn't a likely candidate for either type 1 or type 2 diabetes. I was 42, I was in great shape, not an ounce over weight, and extremely active. I worked hard, played hard, and if I had time left, I played even harder.

I got the call a few days later, the day before Thanksgiving. There was sugar in my urine. I needed to be careful what I ate over the holiday weekend, and come see her on Monday. I was to stop at the lab on my way in to have a fasting BS done, as well as an A1C. My fasting level was 235, and my A1C was 7.2 That was my formal introduction to George. He's been muckin' up my life ever since.

So, why the quote "I will hug you and squeeze you, pet you and love you, and I will call you George."? First, I apparently watched too much Bugs bunny as a child, and second, well, because it is MY diabetes. Not my neighbors, or my friends, but MINE, and if I don't learn to take care of it, ie: hug it and love it, it will be the death of me.

So, a belated welcome to my life George. You are like a petulant child , demanding attention, gadgets, and expensive meds. You control almost every aspect of my daily ruitine. I don't like you, don't want you, and I personally think you suck.
But, in my own best interest, I will hug you and squeeze you, and pet you and love you.

Now go listen to some good music!

My numbers hung low, and they swung to and fro...

I felt all tied up in a knot, I felt all tied up in a bow...

All hilarity aside, my numbers WERE really low last night! I checked before bed last night, was at 87, so, I had some crackers, and some popcorn and figured that would hold me through the night. I woke up at midnight, at 53, so I had some glucose tablets, and my fiance, bless his heart, made me two slices of garlic bread. I would have thought THAT would have held mill until the A.M, but NO, I was up again at 3:30, lying on my back, tired, groggy, and slightly disoriented from yet ANOTHER low, once again eating glucose tablets, complaining I was still over full from earlier, and my tummy hurt. Woke up feeling like I'd been run over twice, but with a BS of 148. Thank the Gods, sometimes it's a wonder the cure doesn't kill us!

Despite the rough night I did indeed make it to the free clinic, which, cost me $105.00 dollars lol. Apparently, the free clinic isn't free anymore. Due to funding cuts they now charge a sliding fee scale. My co-payment ended up being $25.00. Do NOT get me wrong though, I am in NO way complaining! I could not believe all that my puny $25 dollar contribution bought me ) It covered my visit with the doctor, yes, a REAL doctor that specializes in diabetes control. It also covered my blood tests, and my urine test. If I didn't think that was enough for my money, it also covered my prescriptions, which were a bottle of 80 Cozaar pills, two vials of Novalin N, and, get this, 3 Humalog quick pens, a months worth! I was soooooo excited! So much easier than carting around needles and a vial, wow, I feel like I'm living the high life! An insulin pen!

Now, just because the place was oh-so-groovy, they also supplied me with regular needles, as well as needles for my pen, and alchohol swabs. And last, but not least, glucose tablets in case I enjoy my new pen too much lol. All for $25 !?!

Wow, I love the not so free, free clinic.

Oh yeah, I forgot, they also gave me a new glucose meter, a Bayer Contour. Pretty color too I DID have to actually pay for my strips, however, once again, I am not complaining, they cost me $80 for 200. A pretty nice deal if you ask me. I am all set for at least a month now for the grand total of $105 dollars.

Oh, and they measured and weighed me. I have gained TWELVE pounds in a week! OMG how does that HAPPEN?!?
Okie, I realize that I was drastically dehydrated last week, and maybe 5-6 pounds of that weight is water gain, but gr, that still leaves 5 pounds of actual weight gain. I just about cried on the spot! I did exclaim, outloud even, "I gained weight? OMG, I'm getting FAT". They just looked at me strangely and said no, I'm not fat, not at all. I wondered with my inside voice how they could NOT see that I steadily expanding, right before thier eyes, kind of like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka! I worried they would have to roll me out of thier office, like a big yoga ball, by the time it was all said and done. Tommorow is payday, and I WILL be buying slimfast!

One wierd note, I'm growing. Not only out, but UP. I'm getting taller. Strange thing that. I have actually grown 2 inches since my early twenties. I have never heard of that before. I have steadily gained aprox 1/2 inch every five years for the last 20 years. No one else I know has done that. I thought we shrunk as we aged? I am now 5'4 and 1/2. Good new is it changes my BMI ratio! Sweet stuff!

Lastly, they changed my insulin from Novalin R to Humalog. Hopefully it won't stack up and cause a low like taking my Novalin R seems to do. We shall see

Now, go enjoy some good music!

Caffeine, Nicotine and Peanut M&M's !

Sometimes. not very often, but once in a VERY blue moon, having diabetes actually rocks! Like when I wake up with a BS level of 47 and get to eat candy for breakfast! Guilt free even, I mean, I needed the sugar, and, I could claim the peanuts were for the protein Right on!

I am hoping the whole candy for breakfast thing is a harbinger of good things to come today. I could use a good day! After three trips to the ER in just under a week, I am quite frankly, tired of being poked, prodded, and stabbed with sharp objects.

Despite waking up to a low today I actually feel better I think. Some of the swelling in my abdomen has go down, and I don't feel so bloated and uncomfortable. We shall see if going to work helps, or makes it worse. I am in a good mood, and will hope for the best!

I am going to the free diabetes clinic tommorow, I only have few test strips left and have been testing almost every couple hours the last week and will continue to need to do so for a bit untill I get my numbers under control. They are still wildly fluctuating!

Thursday I will buy some slim fast optima, I'm putting on weight and you KNOW that doesn't make me happy!

Oh, and on a lighter note, the nurse at the hospital last night thought my fiance was my son lol She was commisserating with him about how her dad doesn't take his insulin properly either, so she knows how he feels. He IS younger than me, but I like to think I don't look like his mother! Must be time to dye my hair again

Now go enjoy some good music!