It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Warning, there's a pity party coming soon, and it's mine, all mine, and you can't have it! My birthday is this week, and all I'm going to get is a nervous breakdown.

Seriously, not really. It will be my birthday this Friday, and I should be thankfull I am around to celebrate another, and I am, honestly. After putting myself, and my body, through some not-so-nice things, I should be dang glad I made another "trip around the sun".

It makes me wonder at what age do you begin to get that feeling? The gratitude for being alive another year. I am going to be 45, so, for me obviously, that's the age it happens.

I know a lot of younger people, and they seem to take it for granted that they will always be here, or at least, be here for a long time still coming. They are seemingly busy having all kinds of fun participating in potentially dangerous activities, with no sign of concern for thier safety or longevity.

Do I long to go back to the time when I myself was that way? I'd be lying if I said I never do. Who didn't enjoy that blissfull state of being, when you thought you still had your whole life ahead of you? I know I enjoyed the hell out of it! I had Fun, yep, with that capital F, Fun. It wasn't all that long ago either, just less than three years ago. The summer of 2008 I spent all my free time on the back of my beloved pony. Running full tilt most of the time. I rode all day, and half the night. I rode a buck and a spook with no fear, I rode through streams, and puddles so deep my feet were in the water. I ran down dirt roads at full gallop, laughing, having the time of my live, never dreaming there might be a day I may not feel well enough to do so anymore. Seems that day has come.

I have, as many of you know, struggled with an eating disorder, and have done so for my whole "diabetic life". The last two and a half years have been a constant struggle between health, and happiness, because for me anyway, the two do not walk hand in hand. The price for this body that I feel I "have to have" has included losing out on the chance to do so many things I love. It's due to my own stupidity of course, as well as my own vanity and selfishness. Apparently, somewhere in my head, I think it is important for me to look good while doing absolutley nothing. Let's face it, with a steady glucose level of 600 and more, and a constant state of dehydration, That's about all I feel like doing. Nothing, but I look darn good doing it in my size 2 jeans! That might actually be a humorous statement if it wern't so sadlywhat I believed to be true.


I don't know why I am so sad and cynical today. Maybe all my yo-yo-ing glucose numbers have banged my head off the ceiling one too many times. Or maybe I am still reeling from all my nightime lows. Who knows, all I know is I am so tired of my weight and my diabetes running my life. I have other plans, and they include having fun, not counting numbers, carbs, calories, and glucose readings. All these numbers are going to give me a nervous breakdown for my birthday.

Now go listen to some good music!